Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I've gotten really good at pretending.

For the past 2 months.. I feel like I've been doing SO much pretending.. Pretending that I'm "OKAY" when really... that's far from it.. I hurt.. I hurt a lot.. I cry way to much.. 2 months ago today my heart broke.. The guy I loved.. just up and left.. didn't give a reason.. wasn't even man enough to do it in person.. he sent a freakin' text message. Oh it kills.. and to this day.. I STILL cry over him.. I loved him. I trusted him. I thought he liked me (HA. guess i was wrong.) I opened up to him and told him things.. that now I wish I never had.. But I still LOVE him and would do anything to have him back.. for the past 2 months my prayer hasn't changed.. and really, I don't see it changing anytime soon.  I'm SO sick of the people saying.. he isn't worth your tears.. because if he wasn't worth my tears I wouldn't cry every. single. day. I wouldn't tear up when I drive past his street. I wouldn't have to hold in the sobs  when I mention his name.  I wouldn't cry when I think of past memories or see pictures. I woudln't feel like hiding when I happen to see someone that i "Think" is him.. everywhere i am. I wouldn't have these dreams where he comes back. I wouldn't look for him by every car I pass.. hoping to just a glance of him. that's how bad this kills.  That boy changed my life.. even if he doesn't know (or care) and I honestly (right now) don't see myself being happy with anyone else.. I'll wait for that boy for years. if i have to. I want him to be 'the one' I want everything to go back to how it was.  I want him. and noone else.  I've gotten SO good at pretending I don't hurt.. Work is a great place to do that.. The hurt kinds hides while I'm there. I'm busy doing stuff for other people.. that I don't matter.. but the second I leave there.. He's the only thing on my mind.. I keep hoping i'll wake up to (or leave work with) a text from him.. saying He's sorry and he was wrong and he wants to go back. Am I crazy? Probably so. But do I care? Nope. .and No. my prayers won't change. not now.. and not for a looong time.
So no. I'm really not okay.. I'm hurting. still..
I'm praying. ALOT. 60 days. and every single entry in my prayer journal has said the same thing. THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER. I believe it.. Pray with me. would  you?