I've gotten really good at pretending.

For the past 2 months.. I feel like I've been doing SO much pretending.. Pretending that I'm "OKAY" when really... that's far from it.. I hurt.. I hurt a lot.. I cry way to much.. 2 months ago today my heart broke.. The guy I loved.. just up and left.. didn't give a reason.. wasn't even man enough to do it in person.. he sent a freakin' text message. Oh it kills.. and to this day.. I STILL cry over him.. I loved him. I trusted him. I thought he liked me (HA. guess i was wrong.) I opened up to him and told him things.. that now I wish I never had.. But I still LOVE him and would do anything to have him back.. for the past 2 months my prayer hasn't changed.. and really, I don't see it changing anytime soon.  I'm SO sick of the people saying.. he isn't worth your tears.. because if he wasn't worth my tears I wouldn't cry every. single. day. I wouldn't tear up when I drive past his street. I wouldn't have to hold in the sobs  when I mention his name.  I wouldn't cry when I think of past memories or see pictures. I woudln't feel like hiding when I happen to see someone that i "Think" is him.. everywhere i am. I wouldn't have these dreams where he comes back. I wouldn't look for him by every car I pass.. hoping to just a glance of him. that's how bad this kills.  That boy changed my life.. even if he doesn't know (or care) and I honestly (right now) don't see myself being happy with anyone else.. I'll wait for that boy for years. if i have to. I want him to be 'the one' I want everything to go back to how it was.  I want him. and noone else.  I've gotten SO good at pretending I don't hurt.. Work is a great place to do that.. The hurt kinds hides while I'm there. I'm busy doing stuff for other people.. that I don't matter.. but the second I leave there.. He's the only thing on my mind.. I keep hoping i'll wake up to (or leave work with) a text from him.. saying He's sorry and he was wrong and he wants to go back. Am I crazy? Probably so. But do I care? Nope. .and No. my prayers won't change. not now.. and not for a looong time.
So no. I'm really not okay.. I'm hurting. still..
I'm praying. ALOT. 60 days. and every single entry in my prayer journal has said the same thing. THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER. I believe it.. Pray with me. would  you?

There is no Good- in Goodbye.

All my life i've had the hardest time with saying 'goodbye. Even if those goodbyes were really just "I'll see you later"
I remember when my cousins would come down to my grandparents house for a week and when they would leave I'd cry..... and it would take atleast a day to get used to the normal life once again.
The first real- hardest Goodbye was in 2006- when I lost my precious Grandma.. it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I wasn't even sure how to function..Just getting through that first day was the hardest thing ever. I cried so hard and so long my stomach hurt. (That was in January) and it took a while for be to be "OK" (i still struggle with it)
Then a few months later... another 'goodbye' only this one was different.. this one.. all my friends I grew up with at church.. shared precious memories with.. had countless birthday parties/sleepovers and such with.. just up and walked out of my life.. no real reason why.. my senior year.. was my worst year ever.
BUT in June of 2006 I got the best "hello" ever- I met my (now) best friend!! We've been best friends since day one- and I couldn't ask for a better Best friend to walk through life with. I love you Ashley- I can't imagine my life without you!! =)
In 2007 I met alot of other super awesome people who I'm still super close with today.. and that makes my heart really happy!!
The next hard goodbye was just last year.. (September 2012) I lost my beloved Grandpa- and oh how my heart broke.. and it's still trying to heal- My grandpa had become my biggest hero and prayer warrior in the past few years- I could talk to him about basically anything and knew he cared and understand and he'd pray for me..
The next favorite 'Hello' was just this past September- I met the guy who changed my life- he made me feel cared about (he said all the right stuff) he made me feel like a princess.. he gave me a reason to love life- he gave me a reason to smile.. and then completely out of the blue- he up and left.. no reason. no nothing.. and once again I feel my heart breaking.. (HOW MANY TIMES CAN MY HEART BREAK LIKE THIS!) This isn't a goodbye i'm ready to face.. I can't. not yet. not now. I still (call me insanely stupid.. I don't care) have hope.. I'd do EVERYTHING just to be his ANYTHING.. I can't say goodbye.. when he's the best thing that has happened to me in SOOO long.. i just can't do it- i'll hold on.. i'll wait for him.. but.. I just can't lose him.. not now.. not when I need him..

I miss you. more than I should.

We may not talk very much anymore... and you may not even care... but every single time your name appears on my phone screen.. my whole face lights up and I look like the biggest dork.ever. I love you.. and I always will.. i'm not going anywhere. i'm here. forever.. just know that. you rock. you are amazing. and the best. ever.

Random.

If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph.

I have moved on, and I feel sorry for you, because I thought you were the most amazing boy ever. If I could have had any guy in the world, I still would have picked you. Now, you're just another part of my past, a memory more faded every day. And someday, I'll find the one who I deserve, and he will make me the happiest girl in the world.

 Sometimes life leads you down a different road when you're holding on the someone that you gotta let go, someday you'll see the reason why. Sometimes, yeah sometimes there's good in goodbye.

Don't worry if your single, God's looking at you right now saying... I'm saving this girl for someone special.

If you really love that person, learn to wait. Maybe you are not meant to be together for today but meant to be in the future.

When God puts love and compassion in your heart towards someone, He's offering you an opportunity to make a difference in that person's life. You must learn to follow that love. Don't ignore it. Act on it. Somebody needs what you have.

I want you...more than you will ever know, you walk through my dreams and haunt my memories everyday. I miss you like someone would miss their right arm.....I just want you, so much and so bad....I wish I haden't given you my heart

I want you to miss me. I want you to realize what you have lost. I want you to realize what you have taken for granted. I want you to realize that I was there for you and that I have given you all my attention and love. I want you to feel that a part of you was lost when I tried to distance myself from you. I want you to realize that you don't want to completely lose me, that you want me to come back. I want you to realize that. 

MY HEART

I have this song stuck in my head-- it's a song with such simple words, really- but those words can change a life-- those words can pull in back in from whatever it is you are dealing with. Here let me share:

Oh Lord you Know my Heart it's ways
You see my thoughts my plans.
You know the measure of my days,
my life is in your hands.
Nothing in this world is kept
from your eyes, Lord than in
mercy hear my cries.
How I want to be like you,
loving others like you do.
May my life be Christ's alone.
Make my heart Jesus' throne.

it reminds me that GOD knows my heart, you knows what I think and what I plan. (and sometimes my plans aren't what he has planned for my life.) And not only does he KNOW... he also cares. BIG TIME. MY LIFE IS IN HIS HANDS- and what better place for it to be. NOTHING that happens is a surprise to him. He hears me when I cry out to him. I want to learn to love others like He does- and More than that I want my life to be his. and his alone.. after all he made me and HE loves me more than any person ever could. what a fantastic reminder.

These people are my heros.

So,
i'm like really bad at updating this thing.. It's really quite sad... but this is a special post...God has blessed me with some amazing people in my life.. and I want to share those people with you.... they all get major props for putting up with me.

1) Sarah- This girl made my summer happy.. she makes me laugh.. makes me feel loved and is alot of fun to be with. I'm soo glad God allowed us to meet and grow close over the few short weeks we worked together this summer. I love you girl! =) i can't wait to see you again :)

2) Haley- This girl.. there really are no words to describe her.. other then super fantastic-  She's always there for me when I need her.. She's a good person to vent to.. or just to laugh with and hang out. I love our friendship and the random things we do together. :)

3) Ashley- This girl.. she's the bestest- best friend. ever. I love this girl so much.. I love the time we get to spend together (even if it's not enough) I love how she make me smile even when I really don't even feel like it. I love the random stuff we do. (like making brownies at 3am) and just whatever we are doing. I just love this girl and i'm beyond blessed to have her in my life. :)

 4) Amanda Norton- this girl is incredible. and I love her more than words can say. I still remember the first time we met.. We had "police" involved. I love her and spending time with her. She's a role model for me- I hope i can be like her when I grow up. =) Love you Friend!!

 5) Kenneth- This guy- even if he doesn't realize it.. he's the best one. I'm sooooo beyond glad that God allowed us to meet and allowed him to play such a huge part in my life.. and I hope to NEVER lose this guy. He's incredible and makes me feel like a princess.  (if only he realized it ;) God is doing some amazing work though.. I just know it. and i'm trusting him. every step of the way =)

 6) Amanda Via- this girl.. where to start? she's amazing. and fun. and just all out awesome. I love spending time with her. (even if it's not nearly enough time.) I love the random things we do together (Making the brownies at 3am tops everything tho) and all the countless weekends we've spent together without sleep.. ;) omgoodness i'm blessed with her friendship.

7) Brandon- this guy.. has been there for me.. he lets me vent.. he gets me unlost- and basically he's just freakin' awesome.. he puts up with me when i'm in a crappy mood- and hanging out with him is sure to end in laughter. . thanks for being in my life duuude.

soo i'm blessed.. beyond blessed really.. and this isn't even everyone =)

Summer is almost done.

WOW...
I'm not even sure how to start this.... This has probably been the most amazing.. life changing summer. ever. AHH!

Florida with CCI was.. good.. not super.. but good.. I think it's what I needed to know that right now.. I don't belong in that setting.. (that's something super hard to take.. but It's what I need to understand..) and who knows maybe later on down the road that will change...

Hawaii.. Hawaii was incredible.. I meet some of the most AWESOME people. ever.  People who I'd be lost without right now.. People who are inspiring and encouraging in more than one way :) people who are just good friends!!! God really pulled me out of my comfort zone... which is just what I needed.. I did stuff I never thought i COULD do.. because of fears and nerves.. But I did it and I loved it :) I could share with you soooo many stories.. but I won't take the time here.. or bore you all with them :) Message me.. We can talk :)

I now have THREE (yes... 3) baby cousins.. My family is growing. I love it.. I've been blessed with seriously.. the best. most awesome family in the world.. you should all be jealous.  :) I also really love baby snuggles :)

I also have friends HERE.. right here.. right where I live I have friends again.. and it's such a great feeling. I love it. God has sure blessed me and right now I couldn't be happier.. God is Good :) and life is getting exciting.. I'm excited to see what's next..

Also.. Arizona is happening in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS.. HECK YES!

Between now and Hawaii

My life between now and when I leave for Hawaii is crazy busy and insane... But that's okay because time will fly by :)  Here's an idea of what it looks like!

May 14- Hanging out with friends (Shooting at the range!)

May 15- Church!

may 16- Babysitting. 

May 17-  Cleaning out my Grandpa's house that got trashed....

May 18- My cousins Dance Recital.

May 19- Church, then cooking for church and church again. 

May 20-21- chill/pack/sort/shop

May 22-26- Florida for CCI ( I get to see TWO of my BEST friends. Lucky!

May 27- memorial day parade. 

May 28- More shopping/packing

May 29-30-  Go to Chick-fil-a at 3am. to camp out there for 24 hours. then come home and sleep!

May 31- Dolphin cruise. :) and going-away- cookout!

June 1- Cousin's graduation.

June 2- Church/ hard core packing.

June 3- 6am LEAVE FOR HAWAII!!!

I look at all that and just feel incredibly stressed.. But Hey I can handle it with God's help :) Can't wait for Hawaii :) 

Then Arizona. :) and ahh i love life!

My life. a story.

As I sit here, I look back on my life. As a child I used to look at other families... families with "perfect" mothers and fathers and I used to wonder Why my family was SOO messed up. I used to wonder why I had two parents who just didn't care.  But now I look back, and I realize.. that If I had a "Picture Perfect" family things would be SOO different today.  Chances are I wouldn't have had the amazing relationship I did have with my grandparents.  It is because of my Grandparents that I am who I am today. Their investment in my life. their prayers.  The church I grew up in also plays a huge part.  The Hymns we sang every week... such amazing reminders of God's faithfulness. The Preaching there. and the time spent in JV and Varsity with the Leaders and teachers I had. I wouldn't want any other way now. I also quite possibly never would have gotten the chance to do the traveling I do.. To spend weekends with large amounts of small children with little sleep. To spend many hours in a car with people I just met. and became such fast and close friends. Those friendships are friendships to last a lifetime. I would never have meet some of my biggest and best role models and heroes.. So really. looking back It really is a blessing. It is a blessing that has taken me years to see.. Thousands of times I've asked God 'WHY?" when really I should be saying THANK YOU GOD!! for blessing me..My story is a story to be proud of and It's time I stopped worrying what others think and just be Glad I am who I am because of God and the people He has placed in my life!

Changes.

Life changes... faster then anyone could ever imagine... It's scary sometimes.  Sometimes it feels like I just got over the last 'big change' and here comes more change. It's hard, and at times very un-cool. I mean not all change is bad.. It's just that lately the bad way out-weigh the good.. and it's not easy. at all. I miss how things used to be, and yet at the same time, i am a bit excited about the future... but that scares me too. It is proving to be nothing like I imagined in my mind.  And I know without a doubt that God has this wonderfully amazing plan for my life and all I have to do is trust in Him.. But that is sooo much easier said then done.

And once again this Guy has captured my heart.. He doesn't know it (surprise) But he's in all my dreams. I hate how that happens. But what I need, I need one guy to prove to me he isn't like the rest of the guys. I need one guy to go out of his way to show me he cares for me. I tend to have a huge trust issue with guys.. I guess it comes from having such a crappy dad. I just, I don't know. it's hard to put into words.. So I won't even try right now :)

I've also been going to the gym quite a bit. Which is good.... I'm trying to reach my goal.. between working out 4-5 days a week and only eating once a day.. maybe it will happen sooner then I think. *Crosses fingers*

I guess from an out-siders view you could say my life is a complete mess right now. and I guess parts of it are.. but That's life.. Life isn't all teddy-bears and flowers.

I've also turned back to the old "sunday-school songs" that have SO much truth and have the ability to make me cry. life.

First post of 2013

Okay.. So i'm a major slacker when it comes to this. sorry. There really isn't much to tell you right at the moment though. I'm leaving tomorrow for Indiana. I finally get to see my bestest and most awesomest friends. ever. YAY! It has been over a year since I last went to Indiana. WOW!- crazy!!!

Tonight was the Super Bowl. It was alot of fun. Even if I don't watch football. The company was great. That's all that mattered. =)

Oh, So Wednesday. I fell. I was walking into my house.. and it was really muddy outside and I slipped in the mud and cut my knee open on a brick. Go me!! =) It's healing. but still hurts and is a bit nasty. lol!

Okay. so I really don't have anything else exciting to share with you. yet anyways.. So I shall peace out.