Thursday, July 9, 2015

You were the one person I never anticipated having to miss

Dear Stranger,
I miss you. I miss texting you about every single stupid thing that happened in my life. I miss the way people would ask me where you were when you weren't with me because it was a known fact that we were a package deal. I miss laughing with you and all of our inside jokes. I miss sending you heinous pictures. I miss looking over at you and knowing exactly what you are thinking. I miss your family and the way you used to fill me in on their daily happenings. I miss knowing that at the end of the day I had you, that when push came to shove, no matter how bad the situation might be, I knew you would be there. I miss my person, my other half and my best friend.

I hate that when people ask me how you are doing, and I  genuinely don't know. I hate that our conversations that once used to be so natural and seemingly endless are now filled with awkward silences and formal  "How-do-you-dos." I hate that your face, the fact I was so accustomed to seeing every single day, has become just another one in the crowd. I hate that we can now go days at a time without speaking to each other and that most of our conversations now start with "I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever!"

I'm mad at us for letting our friendship become this far gone. What happened? How did we not see this coming? How did we not feel ourselves starting to drift? I am mad at us for not fighting harder for the friendship that we had. It wasn't like most friendships. It was the kind of friendship that neither of us could have anticipated coming to an end. It was us against the world, and now it is nothing. I am mad at us for letting it become nothing but a collection of memories.

I am sad because I don't even know where to go from here. I don't know what there is to be said. Nothing really happened to make it change so how do we fix it? How do I make this horrible yearning for you go away? How do I shake the dreadful feeling of knowing that you are no longer just a phone call away? How do we find a way to fall back together just as easily as we fell apart?

I am scared that it cannot be fix and that maybe we weren't supposed to be forever. I am scared that from here on out, you will not be a part of my life. I am scared that when I am hugging my friends this time next year you will not be one of them. That when I throw my first housewarming part at my new apartment, whoever the real world takes me, you won't be there. That when I look around at my wedding day at all the faces in the crowd, it will hurt just as badly then as it does now to find that yours will not be there.  But what I'm most scared of is that you don't even care at all. I am scared that maybe you haven't noticed my absence in your life or that maybe you have but it just doesn't matter to you. I am scared that you have already replaced me. I am scared that you don't look back on our friendship as fondly as I do. I'm sacred that our lack of a future doesn't hurt you just as badly as it hurts me. I'm scared that you don't miss me as much as I miss you.

However, even if that is the case, I will never give up that we will find our way back to each other, no matter how unlikely that now seems. I will never stop caring about you and wishing you well in life. I will silently smile from a distant sideline as you go out into the world and kick some ass. You will always hold a special place in my heart even though I may no longer hold one in yours. I will never stop looking back on our friendship fondly and will always only have kind things to say.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing is for certain, I will never find another friend like the friend I found in you. Thank you for everything. I mis you more than you could possibly know.

All the best,
Your former Best Friend

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Do you remember the time your heart was moved to tears?

So, do you remember the time your heart was moved to tears? Can you look back on the moment after all these years?
There have been 3 (major) times (so far) that my heart has been moved to tears.. and I remember each one of them.. more perfectly than I care to..

1. January 27, 2006- The day my Grandma and best friend passed away. I remember so much of that day and following days. I remember not knowing how to function. I remember being around family (which was the biggest help) I remember sitting around in the living room with all the cousins play 'Dirty' Uno. I remember it all.. and it still makes me cry..

2. September 30, 2012- The day I lost one of my biggest heroes. My Grandpa. Oh he was ready. But that didn't make it easier on my heart. I was on my way to the store with my sister, when we got the call.... I just broke down and cried. I texted my friends to ask them to pray for me.. and I know they did.  My heart broke a little more that day.  

3. October 16, 2013- The day my best friend and the only guy (outside of family) I loved, and trusted. completely broke my heart. (and through a text message) I remember sitting in my car crying all night... I remember crying out to God... and begging him to fix things (I'm still waiting for things to be fixed!)  I remember that night pledging to Pray for him every single day.. (and I'm still doing it.. ) and in my own selfish way I'm still praying we will get back together..

and of course there have been other things that have caused me to cry.. such as: Goodbyes (specially, when I don't know when I'll get to see the other person again.) Leaving Hawaii.  Job stress (not knowing which Job to take!)  Praying over and over and over again for the same thing and never getting any change or answer.. (But i'm not giving up!)  sometimes NOT being in Hawaii or Indiana makes me cry.

But I know God has a perfect plan for my life and I KNOW he has the perfect guy for my life but I know who I want to be and I can only hope (and pray) that it's who it is!!

Soo- there. you have it. I'm weak. I cry a lot. and I have a lot of hurt.. but It's who I am.. don't like it? well.. i'm sorry!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

2013 Highlights

Well, this should have been written ages ago.. but I've been slacking. a lot. but none the less.. here goes.
2013 was a year full of happy times and some painful heart-breaking times.
In february I spent a week in Indiana with my best friend!! that never gets old! In May My best friend came to visit me :) then I went to Florida with so many dear people and did a CCI event.  Then came home for about a week and camped out at a Chick-fil-a grand opening (got free Chick-fil-a!) and then went and spent 6 glorious weeks in Hawaii!
                  Hawaii changed my life.. and in some good ways.. it forced me to come out of my comfort zone. a lot.. it forced me to grow up. To have a closer relationship with God. it changed my life. the friendships i made there are incredible.. those people bless my heart and I miss them more and more each day!
 Then in August, I went to Tenn. with my sister and a couple cousins for a week. That was a lot of fun. Then the end of August I went to Arizona to visit a dear friend, and spend a few days catching up. it was good. God sure has blessed me with the greatest friends.. both here and far away.. and I couldn't be happier!!  Also in August I got a new (BRAND new) car! yah baby!
       September rolled around and I met a guy who changed my life. He opened my eyes and made me realize what I want in a guy.. (opening doors, picking me up.. making me feel like a princess.. coming to work to help me close when I'd had a scare. watching chick-flicks with me, going to church with me.) Then without any explanation I lost him.. :( and oh my heart broke in two (Not to mention, he broke up via text.. THAT'S NOT what i want in a guy.) and my heart is still healing each and every day.. some days I'm doing GREAT other days my heart just cries.  I've prayed for him every single day since.
       November, I made a last minute, much needed decision to go to Indiana to visit my best friend.. and oh the fun I had.. that Girl is the best thing!! She forces me to be a better person! November was also an incredible month for me, because I (re) met my cousin Joe who has since become one of my best friends.  I also started working at Bass Pro- In Santa's wonderland- I loved it.. then after Christmas i got switched to the Men's section.. which I don't love..

Needless to say, 2013 had some INCREDIBLE memories, but it also had it's share of tears.

Here's hoping 2014 is way better and offers even more incredible adventures. and new people in my life!

Monday, January 13, 2014


A lot of times, (a lot more than I should) I allow myself to feel sorry for myself.. and to look at all the stuff I don't have or all the things/people I've lost, rather then to Thank God for all he has blessed me with.. and Oh has he blessed me.. far more than I deserve.
1. He's blessed me with the best friends a girl could ever ask for.. I may not get to spend as much time with them as I would like... but I've got the best ones.
2. I was blessed with the greatest grandparents ever.. They were there for me.. they prayed for me daily... they were my best friends.
3. I've gotten to do so much traveling.. far more then most people.. and I've loved every placed I've visited.. I've been to Hawaii twice, California twice.. and My heart still yearns to travel the world.
4. Cousins. I've got the greatest cousins. Ever. be jealous. seriously. each one of them is special to me in a different way. I couldn't ask for better cousins/friends. The times we get to spend together aren't nearly enough..but the times we do spend together are precious memory making times.. I couldn't ask for better people to enjoy this journey on life with..
5. The Church I grew up in. No matter where else I go to church, I am always flooded with the memories from Immanuel... The years in JV and Varsity, with the fantastic leaders. The countless hours they put into making the activities wonderfully fun :)
6. My current prayer warrior. (you know who you are) The fact that you are praying for my future husband (whoever he is) warms my heart, and reminds me how blessed I am to have you in my life. thank you!
7. My pets. this may seem small to some of you all.. but seriously, I don't know what I'd do without my furr babies. love them.
8. The fact that I got to date the most amazing Guy in this world.. is beyond me.. that boy, he changed my life.. and I'll always love him for that.. and I pray for him daily. moment by moment.
9. My brother and sister. they might annoy me to death. but seriously.. if it wasn't for them I don't know where i'd be.. we've been through so much together. Noone else knows my crazy family quite like them.
10. my aunt. who gave up everything to come live with us and help us out.
11. My car. simple as that.. even when the month payments get me down.. I'm blessed to have a car :)
12. Memories. I know this sounds weird. but really I'm thankful for my memories.. the good ones.
13. Music.. Music helps me cope with so much.. I just blast my music and cry my heart out sometimes... I spend so many hours in my car driving to/from work while blasting my favorite songs and crying.. and praying.
14. Jesus. Without him I wouldn't be here. Seriously. He's blessed me with everything I could ever ask for.. and I know he loves me now. and always will. He cares about me.. when I'm crying he cares. He understands and he loves me. Oh how precious.

so really, when life gets hard and I just wanna complain I need to Stop and just think about how really blessed I really am. Thank you Jesus for loving me and blessing me. I love you!

Friday, January 10, 2014

The truth.

So.. this is a hard post for me..
Today, I've been doing a lot of thinking.. (which, is never good...) And I realized something, (more so, I allowed myself the freedom to actually go ahead and let it be a thought) I've been mad at God.. which in turn makes me mad at myself.. I hate even thinking that.. But what I don't understand is.. Why did he let me get so close to Kenneth.. and open up and trust him with stuff (my whole life, i've had this huge trust issue with guys..) which, I guess comes from having my own father walk out.. because "he had the right to be happy" But God allowed me to meet Kenneth and grow really close to him, and open up to him, and trust him..  and I was incredibly happy.. Happier than I ever have been before.. Then without warning God just took him from me.. and yes, I know it's been almost 3 months.. But i'm still not OKAY!!
I see someone who looks like him and I have a panic attack.. and get weak in my knees.. At work I'll see something that reminds me of him.. and it's all I can do not to cry. or I pass a car that looks like his and almost run off the road because the tears, they build up... fast. Or I drive past his street and just scream. And sometimes. I can't even go to a place we went to together without crying my eyes out... the memories they are so fresh and painful.. and that boy, he changed my life. and I would do anything. anything in the world to have him back.. I want him

I haven't been to church since we broke up- and that kills me.. Church has always been number one in my life. I grew up a Pastor's Granddaughter. and it's been my life since I was a baby.  And I want to go back. so bad. but. it scares me.. What if he shows up the one sunday i come? I know I'd lose it and just cry. and run away. and finding a new church has never been easy for me. Help? I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm lost!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I've gotten really good at pretending.

For the past 2 months.. I feel like I've been doing SO much pretending.. Pretending that I'm "OKAY" when really... that's far from it.. I hurt.. I hurt a lot.. I cry way to much.. 2 months ago today my heart broke.. The guy I loved.. just up and left.. didn't give a reason.. wasn't even man enough to do it in person.. he sent a freakin' text message. Oh it kills.. and to this day.. I STILL cry over him.. I loved him. I trusted him. I thought he liked me (HA. guess i was wrong.) I opened up to him and told him things.. that now I wish I never had.. But I still LOVE him and would do anything to have him back.. for the past 2 months my prayer hasn't changed.. and really, I don't see it changing anytime soon.  I'm SO sick of the people saying.. he isn't worth your tears.. because if he wasn't worth my tears I wouldn't cry every. single. day. I wouldn't tear up when I drive past his street. I wouldn't have to hold in the sobs  when I mention his name.  I wouldn't cry when I think of past memories or see pictures. I woudln't feel like hiding when I happen to see someone that i "Think" is him.. everywhere i am. I wouldn't have these dreams where he comes back. I wouldn't look for him by every car I pass.. hoping to just a glance of him. that's how bad this kills.  That boy changed my life.. even if he doesn't know (or care) and I honestly (right now) don't see myself being happy with anyone else.. I'll wait for that boy for years. if i have to. I want him to be 'the one' I want everything to go back to how it was.  I want him. and noone else.  I've gotten SO good at pretending I don't hurt.. Work is a great place to do that.. The hurt kinds hides while I'm there. I'm busy doing stuff for other people.. that I don't matter.. but the second I leave there.. He's the only thing on my mind.. I keep hoping i'll wake up to (or leave work with) a text from him.. saying He's sorry and he was wrong and he wants to go back. Am I crazy? Probably so. But do I care? Nope. .and No. my prayers won't change. not now.. and not for a looong time.
So no. I'm really not okay.. I'm hurting. still..
I'm praying. ALOT. 60 days. and every single entry in my prayer journal has said the same thing. THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER. I believe it.. Pray with me. would  you?

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

There is no Good- in Goodbye.

All my life i've had the hardest time with saying 'goodbye. Even if those goodbyes were really just "I'll see you later"
I remember when my cousins would come down to my grandparents house for a week and when they would leave I'd cry..... and it would take atleast a day to get used to the normal life once again.
The first real- hardest Goodbye was in 2006- when I lost my precious Grandma.. it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I wasn't even sure how to function..Just getting through that first day was the hardest thing ever. I cried so hard and so long my stomach hurt. (That was in January) and it took a while for be to be "OK" (i still struggle with it)
Then a few months later... another 'goodbye' only this one was different.. this one.. all my friends I grew up with at church.. shared precious memories with.. had countless birthday parties/sleepovers and such with.. just up and walked out of my life.. no real reason why.. my senior year.. was my worst year ever.
BUT in June of 2006 I got the best "hello" ever- I met my (now) best friend!! We've been best friends since day one- and I couldn't ask for a better Best friend to walk through life with. I love you Ashley- I can't imagine my life without you!! =)
In 2007 I met alot of other super awesome people who I'm still super close with today.. and that makes my heart really happy!!
The next hard goodbye was just last year.. (September 2012) I lost my beloved Grandpa- and oh how my heart broke.. and it's still trying to heal- My grandpa had become my biggest hero and prayer warrior in the past few years- I could talk to him about basically anything and knew he cared and understand and he'd pray for me..
The next favorite 'Hello' was just this past September- I met the guy who changed my life- he made me feel cared about (he said all the right stuff) he made me feel like a princess.. he gave me a reason to love life- he gave me a reason to smile.. and then completely out of the blue- he up and left.. no reason. no nothing.. and once again I feel my heart breaking.. (HOW MANY TIMES CAN MY HEART BREAK LIKE THIS!) This isn't a goodbye i'm ready to face.. I can't. not yet. not now. I still (call me insanely stupid.. I don't care) have hope.. I'd do EVERYTHING just to be his ANYTHING.. I can't say goodbye.. when he's the best thing that has happened to me in SOOO long.. i just can't do it- i'll hold on.. i'll wait for him.. but.. I just can't lose him.. not now.. not when I need him..