Monday, January 13, 2014


A lot of times, (a lot more than I should) I allow myself to feel sorry for myself.. and to look at all the stuff I don't have or all the things/people I've lost, rather then to Thank God for all he has blessed me with.. and Oh has he blessed me.. far more than I deserve.
1. He's blessed me with the best friends a girl could ever ask for.. I may not get to spend as much time with them as I would like... but I've got the best ones.
2. I was blessed with the greatest grandparents ever.. They were there for me.. they prayed for me daily... they were my best friends.
3. I've gotten to do so much traveling.. far more then most people.. and I've loved every placed I've visited.. I've been to Hawaii twice, California twice.. and My heart still yearns to travel the world.
4. Cousins. I've got the greatest cousins. Ever. be jealous. seriously. each one of them is special to me in a different way. I couldn't ask for better cousins/friends. The times we get to spend together aren't nearly enough..but the times we do spend together are precious memory making times.. I couldn't ask for better people to enjoy this journey on life with..
5. The Church I grew up in. No matter where else I go to church, I am always flooded with the memories from Immanuel... The years in JV and Varsity, with the fantastic leaders. The countless hours they put into making the activities wonderfully fun :)
6. My current prayer warrior. (you know who you are) The fact that you are praying for my future husband (whoever he is) warms my heart, and reminds me how blessed I am to have you in my life. thank you!
7. My pets. this may seem small to some of you all.. but seriously, I don't know what I'd do without my furr babies. love them.
8. The fact that I got to date the most amazing Guy in this world.. is beyond me.. that boy, he changed my life.. and I'll always love him for that.. and I pray for him daily. moment by moment.
9. My brother and sister. they might annoy me to death. but seriously.. if it wasn't for them I don't know where i'd be.. we've been through so much together. Noone else knows my crazy family quite like them.
10. my aunt. who gave up everything to come live with us and help us out.
11. My car. simple as that.. even when the month payments get me down.. I'm blessed to have a car :)
12. Memories. I know this sounds weird. but really I'm thankful for my memories.. the good ones.
13. Music.. Music helps me cope with so much.. I just blast my music and cry my heart out sometimes... I spend so many hours in my car driving to/from work while blasting my favorite songs and crying.. and praying.
14. Jesus. Without him I wouldn't be here. Seriously. He's blessed me with everything I could ever ask for.. and I know he loves me now. and always will. He cares about me.. when I'm crying he cares. He understands and he loves me. Oh how precious.

so really, when life gets hard and I just wanna complain I need to Stop and just think about how really blessed I really am. Thank you Jesus for loving me and blessing me. I love you!

Friday, January 10, 2014

The truth.

So.. this is a hard post for me..
Today, I've been doing a lot of thinking.. (which, is never good...) And I realized something, (more so, I allowed myself the freedom to actually go ahead and let it be a thought) I've been mad at God.. which in turn makes me mad at myself.. I hate even thinking that.. But what I don't understand is.. Why did he let me get so close to Kenneth.. and open up and trust him with stuff (my whole life, i've had this huge trust issue with guys..) which, I guess comes from having my own father walk out.. because "he had the right to be happy" But God allowed me to meet Kenneth and grow really close to him, and open up to him, and trust him..  and I was incredibly happy.. Happier than I ever have been before.. Then without warning God just took him from me.. and yes, I know it's been almost 3 months.. But i'm still not OKAY!!
I see someone who looks like him and I have a panic attack.. and get weak in my knees.. At work I'll see something that reminds me of him.. and it's all I can do not to cry. or I pass a car that looks like his and almost run off the road because the tears, they build up... fast. Or I drive past his street and just scream. And sometimes. I can't even go to a place we went to together without crying my eyes out... the memories they are so fresh and painful.. and that boy, he changed my life. and I would do anything. anything in the world to have him back.. I want him

I haven't been to church since we broke up- and that kills me.. Church has always been number one in my life. I grew up a Pastor's Granddaughter. and it's been my life since I was a baby.  And I want to go back. so bad. but. it scares me.. What if he shows up the one sunday i come? I know I'd lose it and just cry. and run away. and finding a new church has never been easy for me. Help? I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm lost!