Change...

Change can be one of the most scary things...ever.. It can also be, happy or sad...
This Christmas brought soo many changes it made my head, spin... and they weren't the happy kind of change.. it was more the sad.. i hate this feeling kind of change... It started the Friday before Christmas... when we took my Grandpa to the Doctor, and he got sent to the ER.. where they confirmed, he was having...a heart attack :( Saturday.. (Christmas eve) he was STILL in the hospital... :( Christmas was looking more and more. sad.... Christmas morning.. we got the call.. HE CAN COME HOME!!! we dropped everything.. and picked him up at the hospital and brought him HOME!!! =) YAY!!!- he was tired... but beyond happy to be HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!- a couple times throught the weekend he sad... I've asked the Lord to just let me live till Jan. 27th.. when Evelyn died :( How sweet. but yet SO depressing.. Then the other "big' change was... not having TONS of cousins/aunts/uncles here.. not sitting around the table playing... Picture Telephone.. not play Dirty Uno... not having TONS of people sitting around one table eatting dinners.. no family football time... 3 cousins here.. thats it. that's all.. no week long cousin time..more like 2 days. dumb.
Sometimes its the the things you expect to ALWAYS be the same.. the stuff that makes you feel comfortable.. that thing you love more then Christmas day.. that changes, and when it does change it hurts alot... I guess all my life I took for granted that.. i'll always have tons of cousins around at Christmas... and now.. its not so.. and I hate it.. I hate that feeling. I miss Cousin game time.. go bowling.. The "Fights' Timothy and Brian always seemed to have.. Sitting around the living room singing Christmas songs.  going to movies. My cousins/aunts/uncles are the greatest people I know.. and i hope/pray more then ANYTHING else.. we will have more AWESOME TONS OF PEOPLE filled weeks.. it has to happen again.. i can't stand the thought of us not all being together again.. at the same time.. Grandma woulnd't like that.. and that's the thing. if she was still alive.. I KNOW people wouldn't let this slipping away happen.. STOP CHANGING!!!!!!!!!!!

December...

Its here..... DECEMBER!! =) its always one of my favorite times of the year, the lights, the music. the Christmas tree.. the cookies/peanut butterballs/ coconut bars. all the yummy Christmas treats.. BUT my favorite part of the whole season has always been.. right after Christmas.. having my WHOLE family (ie: cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents) together... sitting around the living room singing Christmas songs.... that hardly happens anymore ;( I guess because everyone is growing up.. and such.. i just wish it could happen ONE MORE TIMEE!!- i like the 'family time' better then Christmas day ;) I realize how very blessed I am.. I Have the greatest cousins. EVER!!!-  And I thank My grandma.. for always wanting us Cousins to be close.. her wish came true ;) I just wish she was here to see it.. Its been 6 years.. and I still miss her.. like crazy.. i don't think that hurt will ever fully heal.

AH AH AH!!- 4 days.. until.. INDIANA!! I cannot WAIT to see my bestest most awesome friends... EVER!! ;) Its gonna be SO SO great!! ;)

SO.MANY.THOUGHTS!

I have SO many thoughts right now... my head is spinning.. alot of times.. that happens after I finish a good book- but specially, if i can put myself into the character... (sigh).

The hardest thing i've ever had to deal with was the Death of my Grandma.. she was my best friend... i could tell her ANYTHING... and she seemed to always be able to fix my problems.. And, I know with all my heart she is in a MUCH better place, and I WILL see her again!!! But, that was probably the worst thing ever.. (yes having, both my parents walk out was tough too.. but, in a way that was a whole lot easier then losing my best friend) But, God.., being awesome like always :) didn't take her out of my life without sending me someone else... just as awesome.. Ashley Brill.. I meet her for the first time 6 months after my Grandma died.. and she has been the best friend. EVER.. i can tell her ANYTHING and i love it. I LOVE the time i get to spend with her.. she's the coolest :) ahh!! I'm smiling just typing that! I seriously can't imagine going through life with a better best friend then her :) God is awesome and giving us the people we need!


The second hardest thing that happened was about 4ish months ago now.. I felt like my heart had seriously broken into pieces.. (sometimes, on some days.. i still feel that way..) Today, being one of those days.. i found "THE SWEATSHIRT" in a closet today... and i was 'brave' enough to wear it... it made me happy.. and sad.. its been a tough journey these past few months and with each day.. i think i'm getting a better handle on it.. but then it all comes crashing down again... and it scares me.. because i want to be happy again :) My first thought on a day like this when its crashing down on me is... I NEED to go hang out with Ashley. i NEED my Amanda/Ashley time.. baking brownies at midnight... :) then eating them.. those times always make me happy...

I think one reason, i love working with kids as much as I do. ( I do Awana's on sundays.)  (have a nanny job 4-5 days a week) and get other random babysitting jobs 3-4 days a week) (and do MOPS 3 days a month)   is because i can focus on them and their problems... and not think about what i'm dealing with.. and that feeling.. is amazing!.

okay, i think i'm done.. for now.. because.. i'm just rambling.. and well.. i need to get more of my thoughts in a somewhat of an order before i spill them out :)

later dudes.. :)

*sigh*

soo i've been home.. 2 days.. and i'm ready to leave again.. 2 days at home is good enough right? =) i'm kinda lost without my friends. its not a cool feeling. i need someone to hang out with.. spend time with.. have bon-fires with. .go to Applebees with. just i need a good friend here- and yet. i've got.. noone :-(
well.. really aside from not wanting to be home.. i've got nothing else to add... :/

I still Miss My Grandma!!

This is always a hard time of year for me... May 17th would have been my Grandma's birthday- My grandma, she was my BEST friend! I could tell her anything, and in my mind, she could fix any problem i had. I remember one night, it was pretty late, and i had gotten my ears pierced, and they had gotten infected, and all I wanted was Grandma!! I remember being sick, and going to Grandma's house, she'd fix me food, watch movies with me or just sing songs to me and rub my back! She made THE BEST fried chicken!! =) she gave the BEST hugs, she always had a smile on her face, even during the last few months when she was suffering SO much!!- I remember caling her EVERY NIGHT before i'd go to sleep!! and we'd have a race, to see who could say "I love you" first. Yes, its been 5 years since she went home, to heaven, it still hurts, and sometimes feels like it was just Yesterday, What i wouldn't give to see her smile one more time, to have one more "GRANDMA HUG" to be able to have a 'heart to heart' with her! TO tell her how i feel, how i hurt, get answers from her!

Grandma was the best grandma anybody ever had. Her love for God inspired her to love lots of others, not the least her husband, 7 Children, 17 grand-children, and 7 great grandchildren. She was unfailingly kind and selfless, strong, dependable, no-nonsense. Altho we're sad to lose her, we know after many painful months she is finally free from suffering in the presence of God. We'll alway shave priceless memories of her. And Lord-Willing, we'll each see her again. Thou wast her rock, her fortress and her might; Thou, Lord her captian in the well-fought fight; Thou in the darkness drear her one true light! Aleeluia! Alleluia!!
May 17,1919- Jan. 27, 2006

I hope My Grandma would be proud of who I am becoming!! I love You Grandma, and miss you more then words can sayy!

Quotes.

Every now and then I run across some amazing quotes.. that tend to be just what i needed to hear at the time. So I thought i'd share some of them with you!! enjoy and feel free to share your favorite quotes with me :)

~More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.~

~There are thing happened all around us. Good and bad things. People get sick, die and it hurts because you can never stop loving and missing that person.

~Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or a life time is certain for those who are friends. ~

~Sometimes People don't do things that they want to do, because they don't want others to know they want to do them.~

~I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experiences, bad and good, make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experience would be a great mistake.~

~You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what you life would be, White dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Clause, the tooth fairy Prince charming, They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up, and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things they can trust. But the thing is, its hard to let go of that fairy tae entirely. Cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.~

~If I could wish for just one dream to come true, it would be the one where he actually was i love with me too.. for real.~

~Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away.~

~If you're 83 and you're a widower, people will marry you. But if you're 83 and you've never been married before they'll be like "whats your problem??~

worship

Worship is a huge thing.. we look forward to worship every week. When music includes one of our favorites, we say "the worship was great!" When the music stinks, we yawn and wonder why the worship wasn't very good. We leave churches because of the "Worship style"Worship is a huge thing. Have you ever wondered if we're more concerned with what worship does FOR us and less concerned with the object of our worship? It seems like it's more about what we GET, not what we GIVE. It would be like taking a gift to a friend's birthday party, but keeping it for ourselves. Worship is all about GIVING our lives (again) to God. Worship is not about the feeling we receive when we sing. Worship is not about convincing God to bless us. Worship is not about whether or not the guitar is too loud. Worship is not about what's happening on the stage. Worship is not about entertainment, lighting, or sound. Worship is not about us at all. IT'S NOT ABOUT US!! It's about HIM!. And we enter through the gateway of the cross, At the cross, we surrender, At the Cross, we LOVE, at the cross, we CRY, at the Cross, we DREAM, at the cross, we GIVE UP, at the cross, we SHUT UP, at the cross we KNEEL, at the cross, we CONFESS. We look at God, and place him above all else. Because He is worth it! Life gets crazy and painful. No one can deny that. Job stress. Divorce. Death. Addictions. Loneliness. No one is asking you to pretent that those things aren't affecting you. DON'T PRETEND!! You'r just being invited to bring that stuff to the cross, and to simply gaze at Jesus. And as you look at Him, allow your response to be: Worship!