Friday, January 10, 2014

The truth.

So.. this is a hard post for me..
Today, I've been doing a lot of thinking.. (which, is never good...) And I realized something, (more so, I allowed myself the freedom to actually go ahead and let it be a thought) I've been mad at God.. which in turn makes me mad at myself.. I hate even thinking that.. But what I don't understand is.. Why did he let me get so close to Kenneth.. and open up and trust him with stuff (my whole life, i've had this huge trust issue with guys..) which, I guess comes from having my own father walk out.. because "he had the right to be happy" But God allowed me to meet Kenneth and grow really close to him, and open up to him, and trust him..  and I was incredibly happy.. Happier than I ever have been before.. Then without warning God just took him from me.. and yes, I know it's been almost 3 months.. But i'm still not OKAY!!
I see someone who looks like him and I have a panic attack.. and get weak in my knees.. At work I'll see something that reminds me of him.. and it's all I can do not to cry. or I pass a car that looks like his and almost run off the road because the tears, they build up... fast. Or I drive past his street and just scream. And sometimes. I can't even go to a place we went to together without crying my eyes out... the memories they are so fresh and painful.. and that boy, he changed my life. and I would do anything. anything in the world to have him back.. I want him

I haven't been to church since we broke up- and that kills me.. Church has always been number one in my life. I grew up a Pastor's Granddaughter. and it's been my life since I was a baby.  And I want to go back. so bad. but. it scares me.. What if he shows up the one sunday i come? I know I'd lose it and just cry. and run away. and finding a new church has never been easy for me. Help? I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm lost!

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